Behind These Hazel Eyes
by SVUCSIWTRDOOLluver
Summary: Song fic using song by Kelly Clarkson, and it's basically about angsty GSR, though there MIGHT be a happy ending, as it runs from "Goodbye And Good Luck" to "One To Go" Basically, Sara never let Grissom see her real tears, but would she now? R&R, please!


This is a song fic using the song "Behind These Hazel Eyes" by Kelly Clarkson. I love this song, and I immediately thought of Sara and Grissom when I heard this song. I simply can't wait for an episode in which William Peterson AKA Gil Grissom guest-stars! Enough of me talking, here's the song fic! ENJOY!!!

--

Sara sat in the locker room, her head buried in her hands. She wished that the flashes to her kidnapping would stop, but they just wouldn't. Every night, another nightmare, every moment of peace and quiet or silence, a flash to her kidnapping, a flash to Natalie fighting with her, a flash to her being stuck under the car, and sometimes a flash to her walking around in the desert, thinking she was dying. And they just wouldn't stop.

She had talked to Grissom about it, had spent nights lying with him as she poured out her soul for him to see, but he just tried to ignore the problem. And that sure as hell wasn't going to solve anything. That wasn't going to make her flashes and nightmares stop.

Grissom should've known that, as he had been the one waking Sara in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and holding her as she tried to fall back asleep.

Sara smiled as she remembered what their life had been like before all of this had happened. Sara had been so strong, she had stood so tall with Grissom right there with her, his arms wrapped around her in a hold that Sara thought would never break nor falter. His hold had never loosened through thick or thin, through the good or bad. They had weathered it all, and it had all just felt so right to her, like she was finally happy.

But now, that had all changed. Now, Grissom seemed to be so distant, and Sara couldn't sleep anymore. She rarely laughed or smiled anymore, and that case she had just closed was horrible. It was the final straw, so to speak, and Sara couldn't take it anymore.

She even felt like she couldn't breathe sometimes.

_Seems like just yesterday  
You were a part of me  
I used to stand so tall  
I used to be so strong  
Your arms around me tight  
Everything, it felt so right  
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong  
Now I can't breathe  
No, I can't sleep  
I'm barely hanging on_

Sara knew that she had been here before, she had been in this emotional state before. She remembered that it was when Grissom had to leave his seminar and come back to Las Vegas, leaving Sara behind. It had been a long time ago, but Sara still remembered it like it was last month.

Grissom had seemed so reluctant to leave her, but then, when Sara sked him if she could go with him, he had immediately said no. She had thought he was pushing her away, and it turned out that she was right.

He had been afraid to love, and Sara just broke apart, thinking that he had never actually loved her. That thought had just torn her to pieces, and she had never really recovered from that, until he had asked her to come to Vegas.

She was thrilled, thinking that maybe he was finally ready to let her in, let her love him and let himself love her, but then she had crashed back down to the cruel reality when she found out that it was just for work, nothing really that personal at all. Sara had been knocked down by that for only a week or so, and then she decided to try and get Grissom to realize that he loved her.

They had danced around each other for a while, and when Sara realized that the dancing around would do nothing but hurt them in the long run, she had asked him out. His refusal had hurt her deeply, but she refused to show it.

But then she had gone out and gotten her heart broke by that idiot Hank. He had told her that he loved her, but then she had realized it was all a scam, because he was dating someone else, and she was the 'other woman'. That had really hurt, because she knew that most of the time, the man chose the 'other woman' over the first woman, and she didn't want to be the one breaking up Hank and his girlfriend/fiancée. So, she had let him go.

But she hadn't let Hank see the tears that she had cried over him. No way.

_Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes_

Sara remembered the night Grissom had come over to her apartment after she had yelled at both Catherine and Ecklie. She knew her emotions were out of control, but what she had said to Catherine and Ecklie was exactly her opinion. People were allowed freedom of speech, weren't they? And when Ecklie had demanded that she apologize to Catherine, Sara had flat out refused.

"No I'm not." Had been her exact words. She had gotten home, and Grissom had come over to tell her that Ecklie wanted him to fire her. She didn't know why, but for some reason, that night, she had opened up and let Grissom in. She had told him about how her mother had killed her father because he was an abusing SOB.

She had actually broken down and let Grissom into a place no one had ever gone before in her heart. He had taken her hand, and she had just fallen into his supporting arms that night. He had held her, and made her feel like everything was all right for once in her life.

Well maybe 2 or 3 times, but those times were all with Grissom.

But now, as she sat in the locker room, he knew that this was all that was left of her. A broken woman, the persona she displayed was just what she was pretending to be.

As she stood up, she blinked back her tears as she fought to breathe normally. She looked in the mirror and saw the bags under her eyes that showed everyone that she wasn't sleeping.

Her whole appearance just informed everyone that she was a woman barely hanging onto herself, her sanity. But that was what Sara saw, everyone else saw a cool, composed woman, which Sara actually was not.

_I told you everything  
Opened up and let you in  
You made me feel alright  
For once in my life  
Now all that's left of me  
Is what I pretend to be  
So together, but so broken up inside  
'Cause I can't breathe  
No, I can't sleep  
I'm barely hangin' on_

Sara took a deep breath and took slow steps out. She looked back and saw how she had torn off her nametag and put it in the trash. Because, if truth be told, that's where she thought her name belonged.

As she took careful steps through the lab, trying not to cry as she thought of all the people she was leaving behind. She finally spotted Grissom standing there with Hodges, talking about some results, no doubt.

But she just couldn't approach him yet, not yet. She turned down a hall and avoided everyone as she wandered around the lab, taking deep breaths and trying to get her courage up.

Finally, she paused and took a final deep breath. She walked out of the hallway into the other hallway where Grissom was. She knew that she couldn't wait until later to tell him goodbye, like when they were at home, because that would be too hard. She was already falling to pieces, she didn't want to think what would happen if they were alone and saying goodbye.

And she had already promised herself that she wasn't going to let Grissom see her tears, tears of weakness. She wouldn't let anyone see the tears that she knew she was going to cry later.

Sara walked up to him, and he looked at her in surprise. Before he could get out a single word, she slipped her hands around his neck and looked him straight in the eyes for a moment.

Then she pressed her lips to his. He was frozen in shock for a moment, and then she deepened it for a short moment. He was about to put his hands on her waist, but then she backed away, breaking the kiss and still not crying.

_Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes_

Sara took a deep breath and patted his chest gently a few times. She refused to let Grissom see the tears she was going to cry if she didn't leave, so she turned and began walking down the hall, fighting back tears and ignoring the looks she got. She could feel Grissom's eyes on her, but she wasn't goin to turn back.

No, not this time. He had stopped her leaving before by sending her a plant, but that wasn't going to work this time. Nothing would work this time. She also knew that he wasn't going to try that, either.

Sara remembered how Hank had played her, had swallowed her and then spit her back out, but she had taken it. Now, in his own geeky way, Grissom was kinda doing the same thing to her, by ignoring their problems and basically ignoring her and her emotions.

Now, she hated Hank, but she just couldn't hate Grissom. She loved him too much, she loved him so much it was hard to breathe without him and it was almost killing her to leave. But that was her own fault, for letting the situation get out of hand. If only…

No, Sara stopped herself from thinking of the 'if only's'.

As Sara got into her taxi, she could still see Grissom standing inside the lab, and it was killing her to see his pain in his eyes, pain that was no doubt mirrored in her own eyes. But she wasn't going to cry, not now. She had to be strong, and there was no way she was going to cry on the outside anymore.

As she got on a plane, destination San Francisco, she wondered if Grissom had gotten her letter. He probably had, and Sara hoped he understood.

But now, Sara had to find her mother and make peace with her past before it drove her totally insane, before she could ever hope to move on to the future.

But she was done crying on the outside, that was for sure.

_S__wallow me then spit me out  
For hating you, I blame myself  
Seeing you it kills me now  
No, I don't cry on the outside  
Anymore..._

A few months later, Sara had met with her mother and had been able to settle her past. She was basically happy, but was still sick for her real love, Gil Grissom.

And then, she got a phone call from, surprise surprise, Conrad Ecklie, informing her of her former colleague Warrick Brown's death. She was completely shocked, but refused to let her grief set it. She thought about how Catherine was coping, as she had been Warrick's girlfriend. She wondered how Nick, Warrick's best friend was taking it.

She wondered how everyone else was taking it, as Warrick had been really well liked in the lab. Then, she thought about Grissom. Warrick had been his protégée, and he must be taking it bad was Sara's thoughts.

Sara quickly hopped on a plane bound for Las Vegas, Nevada. She was waiting in Grissom's office when she got there, waiting for him and making sure that she wasn't going to cry.

When Grissom finally appeared, it was so dang hard to not cry, but she managed it. Grissom pulled her close for support, and then the rest of the team came in.

The team was together again, but was missing one very important member. A member by the name of Warrick Brown, who now lied in the morgue, awaiting an autopsy.

Sara stayed in Vegas through the funeral, and almost broke down herself when Grissom started crying for the fallen officer. But she still stayed true to her code, she refused to let anyone see her cry.

_Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes_

After the funeral, Grissom was just lying there in bed, staring at the ceiling. She lied down next to him, and told him that they should go away on a vacation or something like that. Just to get away from Vegas. He refused, but asked her to stay.

"I can't." She had replied, and he had said,

"Can't, or won't?"

Sara was speechless, but knew that she deserved it. She would honestly do anything to stay in Vegas, but she couldn't. If she did, that would be the end of Sara Sidle, and that would hurt Grissom and the team even worse. Sara knew she deserved it, but ignored that comment and pulled Grissom close, knowing that he was hurting and needed comfort.

Then, a few days later, Sara had to fight back tears as she packed up her things. She was headed to board a ship, that would sail around the Central American seas, then return to Costa Rica for some 'living with nature' in the rainforest.

To be honest, Sara was looking forward to it. But she would be happier about it if she could convince Grissom to come with her. He was still avoiding her, and when he had talked to her in his office, she knew that he had been talking about their relationship when she was talking about this relationship of a couple from one of her old cases.

That had hurt her deeply, that he thought their relationship was gone, that he was tired of waiting for her. Well fine. She was leaving, this time for good, and he would be free to date anyone he wanted to.

Such as *cough*Heather*cough*.

As Sara cast a glance back at the townhouse that had been her home, she felt a big twinge of sadness as she left a goodbye note for Grissom and walked out to meet her ship.

Tears glittered in her eyes, betraying her breaking heart.

_Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes_

A few months have passed, and Sara was now in the rainforest 'roughing it' as they call it. Really, it was heaven to be away from the lights and the sounds of Vegas and only heard the peaceful sounds of the rainforest.

She sighed as she doves into a lake with her bathing suit on. She performed a perfect dive, and it was one of the most refreshing things that she had ever done in her entire life. As she floated around, she remembered all the bad times that she had shared with Gil Grissom

She remembered the sheer terror that had gripped them both when Nick had been kidnapped, and the fear and mourning that they had shared when Brass had been shot and Grissom had to make the decision to either end his life, or have a surgery done that could possibly end his life.

She knew he had suffered alone, and so had she, like when Catherine told her about her possible assault and rape.

Sara got out of the lake, trying to leave her bad memories behind as she hung her bathing suit up to dry. She dressed in a take top and pants, and grabbed her camera to take a picture of a snake on a branch.

She instead spotted a monkey and went to take a picture of it. She heard someone behind her, and sensed someone behind her too. She glanced over her shoulder to see Gil Grissom standing there, dressed in rainforest clothing and a bag on his back.

She almost froze, but instead turned around to face him. His face was silently asking her if she could ever take him back, and she smiled a little, tears filling her eyes, one's she refused to shed.

That was all Grissom need, and in a few strides he was pulling her to him, his arms reaching out to her. She grabbed onto him as if he was her only lifeline, and their lips locked together. Their lips molded together like they had never been apart, though the demanding kisses Grissom gave let Sara know that he missed her terribly.

Eventually they broke apart, and Sara buried her face into his shoulder, and his hands clutched at her, needing to feel her close. "I'm so sorry, Sara." He whispered, and she put her forehead on his, saying softly,

"You're sorry? I'm the one who should be sorry. And I am, sorry, Gil." He just nodded and pressed his lips to hers, showing her how much he loved her.

And with that, Sara Sidle actually cried, cleansing tears that washed her soul clean. Tears that Gil shared with her, and the two of them sealed their fate together by letting the other in and fixing what had been broken, by letting the other see in their soul through their tears.

Sara Sidle let Gil Grissom see exactly what was behind those hazel eyes of hers.

--

The end. I know Sara's eyes aren't really hazel, but that could be argued, I suppose. They're really brown, but hazel's close to brown, I think! Thanks for reading, and I hope you liked it! I like Kelly Clarkson, though I love country, and please review! Adios!


End file.
